Tag: challenges

You are important

I grew up as an only child in a lonely home with working parents. School and books became my refuge. I often felt insignificant with belittling beliefs to keep myself safe and make sense of confusing and challenging situations. I felt unseen, unheard but could not relate it to the lack of attention from the people around me. It was more palatable to see something wrong with me. At some level, I felt that my life did not really matter. I was invisible, but that did not prevent me from exploring the world in my imagination and later in real life.

As adults it can also be easy sometimes to buy into the illusion of our own insignificance when we look at the world and feel so powerless to change anything. We are surrounded by celebrities, powerful people, and we may conclude that fame and material power confirm how little our lives amount to. Compared to the suffering of people in places like Syria, we may decide that our challenges are small. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Every single one of us matter and all our challenges matter. We tend to forget how our very existence affects countless people around us in countless ways.

You are important and your life matters because you are a microcosm of a larger whole. Your life is a piece of a puzzle connected to a larger universe where your internal experiences affect the whole of life around you. In reality, life organizes around you! This is a shift of perception around your impact in the world that has the potential to affect your life in profound ways. You may discover a creative power you never knew you had, and generate energy to connect with the world in a different way. This is a different basis for leadership in the world.

Today’s adversarial leadership

There are many styles of leadership. While I have been advocating positive leadership or service leadership, offering insights through my blog, it is clear that we are witnessing a surge of adversarial leadership on the international scene. High-conflict leaders have recently been leading from a place of drama, resorting to false heroic postures rather than working on solving current challenges. This has provided fertile ground for the rise of authoritarian political leaders. This phenomenon is not happening in vacuum. Our current social and political environment is attracting this type of leadership.

What are the main characteristics of today’s adversarial leadership and why is it happening now? Current adversarial leaders in politics and business around the world harbor high-conflict personalities, often bordering on a psychological or social disorder, either through impaired interpersonal relationships, lack of self-reflection, or an inability to change in the face of an obvious need to redirect. They are commonly referred to as narcissists, antisocial, or paranoid. 

The four key characteristics of this leadership style today are:

  • A tendency to blame others who become targets of personal attacks;
  • An all-or-nothing approach to solving problems;
  • A show of intense emotions, impairing problem solving and conflict resolution; and,
  • A tendency to resort to extreme behaviors from which most people would refrain.

As sociopaths of narcissists, they can also be seductive and highly attractive leaders, as many high-conflict leaders from the past were known to be.

What is it in our world today that attracts such leaders? Let us look at three key factors to start with. First, the media competition and highly emotional tendencies which have monopolized viewers’ attention these past decades, glorifying extreme behaviors, normalizing conflict behaviors through antagonistic debate shows, and fear-based coverage which happen to sell best. Second, a tendency to simplify highly complex challenges such as climate change through evil scaremongers and superheroes offering fantasy solutions, yet displaying no leadership skills and no results. Third, adversarial systems offering “either/or” solutions, which play well in debates, panels and combative politics, but rely on no community-based real life progress ensuring sustainability and thrivability.

This leadership style will continue to grow until we in society recognize our personality patterns and take responsibility through our voting power and decision-making communities, from boards of directors to school councils, as well as changing ourselves. It takes a community to raise a leader!

Welcome to my blog!

You just landed on a site focused on Healing International Relations, but you will read little about what goes on in the world or about international relations as we study it in university or practice it internationally as diplomats, military, grass root activists, or aid workers. Should you wish to register (see left column below) you will read every other week a post about the individual behind these roles.

As the world faces man made challenges on a scale beyond recognition, as international organizations and well-known institutions crumble all around, the level of disruption is calling for a different approach, a new system. We are collectively seeking answers through innovation, artificial intelligence, sciences. We are seeking answers in history, philosophy, religion, stuck at the crossroads, still unable to integrate all these fields. The task, however, is well beyond a new school of thought or even a new world order. At the same time, it may well be much closer to home, within our own personal power to change for ourselves and by ourselves, going back to basics and focusing on how we relate to life and thrive as an individual.

This blog stems from the premise that the time has come to disrupt ourselves – to reinvent ourselves individually with the help of each other to weave a new way of life. Disruption is commonly understood as an act of forcible separation, division into parts, break-up, dislocation that interrupts the flow momentarily or upends an industry. It typically offers also an opportunity to reconnect, re-assemble, and start anew, imagining a future catalyzing our own evolution as a species. While we tend to focus typically on the disruption around us, I have found that the rules of disruption apply to the individual as well, and I believe that innovation ultimately begins within ourselves. It takes courage to disrupt ourselves, stepping beyond our zone of comfort, beyond our doubts and embracing the scary and lonely path into the unknown. It is especially challenging as it calls for discovery rather than conventional planning and strategy. It requires searching where no one else has gone, switching to different performance criteria – an inside-out job – redefining the attributes of success. Albeit an individual path, we do not have to go it alone. You may resonate with others on the way to affirm yourself, tell your own story. I hereby offer my lessons learned from a personal disruptive trajectory, along with tips and insights on how to cope with the level of disruption within, which I believe to be necessary for healing our relations at the international level, and usher a different world one person at a time for everyone to thrive. Healing ourselves is the path to a new international environment.

Pain

Have you ever wondered what was the role of pain in your life? In my leadership quest, I was recently prompted to reflect on the fact that pain has often been a big motivator in my life. It has proven to be an excellent trigger towards transformation. I often moved country, even continent, to get as far away as possible from a painful relationship or a break-up. I also changed jobs as a result of challenging professional experiences. Already as a young girl, painful moments were often the sign of personal growth.  Even physical pain, in the form of a car accident for instance, triggered a new awareness in my life pointing to the need to let go and be more receptive than constantly in a “doing” mode. Yes, pain has been an engine of change in my life.

Pain in its various forms: physical, emotional, spiritual, can indeed serve as one of life’s great teachers. However, pain is meant to pass. The problem with pain lies with the tendency we have, especially as adult, to hang on to it unconsciously as if it was a way of existing. We are in pain therefore we are… This is at the core of the victim pattern. Similarly, we can reject it and decide that the emotions that go along with pain are detrimental to our well-being. We thus develop coping mechanisms to avoid pain and the discomfort of emotions, either bottling up painful experiences and ignoring them or running away from them. In fact, we might even believe that staying away from what hurts, be it relationships or new opportunities, is the best way to avoid rejection and protect ourselves, unaware of the energy devoted to keeping something as important at bay, and the wasted opportunities to learn from life through all its experiences.

You are not meant to live in a shoebox, nor in cotton. Life is about experiences and choices, good and bad, to learn about what you like and dislike and lead the way from a place of desire and greater wisdom. If you notice that the same painful experiences present themselves, open up and embrace the pain, whether it is an old or a new pain, so that it finds the path to go through you and transform you in the process. However, the most transformative experience of all and a true leadership quest lies with the conscious decision to no longer learn from pain but to learn from joy.