Belonging and leadership

The sense of belonging is one of the most powerful human needs. The experience of separation and feeling excluded is at the very root of conflicts, even wars and certainly terrorism. The need to be heard is at the core of relationships. Many of us have experienced the challenge of being brushed aside in an argument, or the pain of being cast aside, be it in families, peer groups, or society at large. I can recall many instances and fundamental break-ups where I no longer belonged. Already at a young age, I felt that I no longer belonged in my country, no longer sharing the same values with society around me. Even without being overtly criticized, I also remember times when I felt like an outsider within my own family, either being humoured or simply unnoticed. I also experienced the common feeling of having been adopted, as I seemed so different from the rest of my family. Over time, I found out how many of us wondered that very same question.

These watershed moments in life are often interpreted as inadequacy or inability to belong. They are yet the result of a natural process of individuality – hardly a sign that we have failed our peers in some way. Some of us, in fact, respond to this search for individuality by pulling back from the very community to which we belong, even the people closest to us, in order to embrace a different environment within which we can experience a greater sense of commonality. It takes leadership in one’s life to explore our own individuality, and leaders in society are often people who have experienced such an individuation process at an early stage.

The break-up often leads to conflict. Yet your process of individuation does not have to lead to interpersonal tensions. These experiences often contribute to your own evolution, and that of society at large. If you are able to move beyond comparing yourself with others and accept the differences, if you can transform the raw feelings of being cast aside as you find your own path, your ability to lead will be strong. You will come to appreciate the need to separate as much as the need to belong, and welcome periods of separation in life’s unique journey.

Big data, small me

In today’s information age it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of data around us, from news to specialized information, from inbox to waves and digital overload. The sheer amount of information out there has had a serious impact on the way we feel as an expert, a leader, a parent, a decision-maker. It is easy to fall in the trap of feeling insufficient and ill-prepared. How do we trust that we have enough information when we know that there is no longer any way to master all there is to know about a topic? How does one rely on specific information when everything and its contrary exist out there? We may be tempted to close off, stop the flow of information, dismiss new knowledge for the sake of finding our way and keeping our balance. While tempting, this will likely become a hindrance, a limiting belief for our worldview.

There is another way. While thoroughly annoyed at my inability to “know for sure” the best way forward, the best medical advice, the right diet, the truth… I have come to welcome this overwhelming feeling, recognizing that there is no truth, there is no “best advice” to give or receive. There is only a possible option, at this particular time, in this particular place, in the face of many possibilities and multiple futures. How humbling! I actually wonder whether there ever was a best piece of advice. We may have lived in the comfort of less knowledge and therefore less possibility to be wrong. Can we even talk about being wrong? Should we simply approach “wrong” as a different experience – learning to fail and fail again? Even more humbling!

Life has certainly become more complex. This complexity can no longer be dealt with solely on the basis of our mind. Intuition is becoming increasingly salient in the face of increased complexity. Intelligence will still rely on our mind processing information, but decision-making seems to increasingly demand transcending powers, intuition, an ability to know not only on the basis of external factors but also on inner wisdom. This small inner voice may at times defy logic. Increasingly using our intuition may bring us to a place where the way forward is essentially our choice, our experience to live: SMALL DATA BIG ME, or the power of being 100 percent responsible where failing is the path.

Leadership and partnership

Leadership has often been associated with ranking first, conducting, guiding, directing others from up front with commanding authority. Leadership today is increasingly facing the need to create something new, something greater than what an individual can create on his or her own. Leaders have always been unique in terms of their talents and abilities. However, leadership relies increasingly on partnerships to harness the power and multiply the skills and efforts to create something new and meaningful to all. It is increasingly through partnerships that leaders distinguish themselves.

Partnership has often been understood as something we need in life as a way to either “fix” or complete ourselves: a complementarity of sort. We find ourselves lonely and get into a relationship. This leads to a relationship of dependence. Leaders need to associate themselves to others from a place of knowing that their leadership lies within themselves solely. They partner with others as a way to mirror their own limits, taking full responsibility for their own shortcomings rather than seeking to accomplish anything by relying on others. This type of partnership becomes a way to reflect and accept who we are, and an opportunity for personal transformation. This is transformational leadership in a world that needs to create new pathways, new structures towards collaborative life.

This type of leadership through partnership creates harmonious communities, where individuals can reach their best, not by themselves but through others. People thus become empowered to take courageous correction course, daring to venture into unchartered territories feeling the presence of others ready to step up front, if and when needed. This is a way to soar higher and transform through the kindred spirit of others, thereby transforming the community and leadership itself.

Transformational leadership is about yourself. But you cannot make it happen by yourself.

Leadership one step at a time

Have you noticed how the place in your stomach that contracts when you experience fear is the same place where you experience excitement? We ultimately decide in our minds whether we feel thrilled or whether we are scared. The feeling starts where many feelings originate. And what if we decided that this feeling in the stomach and beating heart was not fear, but the sign of excitement with butterflies in the stomach, as when we fall in love? Do we actually have an opportunity to stop indulging our anxiety and choose to embrace a new opportunity?

I was struck one day when my son decided to experience jumping from a plane with a parachute. He went within the space of a couple of days from sheer excitement and joy to paralyzing fear, and back to thrill once he did it, ready to do it again. I realized the power of aligning our thoughts with our emotions to actually make things happen or stop dead in our tracks.

Let us look briefly at our beliefs. There is nothing wrong with being afraid, provided that it does not stop us from doing what we feel excited to do. Leadership in our lives has a lot to do with feeling comfortable with our level of fear. Mostly, it is about aligning our thoughts and emotions. Reframing things in our mind can go a long way in changing our emotional state. We can create new connections by choosing new thoughts. We often assume that leaders are fearless people. In reality, anyone can cultivate the ability to feel the fear and do it anyway. Just think that you may just be excited…

If it is important to change your mental state from resistance to openness, it is equally important to create new experiences, overcoming fears step by step, through a gradual process, repeating the experience until a level of comfort takes root. Do you recall learning to swim, or to ride a bicycle? You may have felt fear at first, but as you learned and grew more comfortable, the fear turned to excitement.

In other words, it is not the absence of fear that determines leadership! It is the ability to realign our thoughts with our emotions, and practice this realignment over and over again, becoming in charge of life running through our veins.