Relationships and leadership

The most important relationship we may have in life is the relationship to ourselves. While we do not become our best self by ourselves, our relationships to others are essentially determined by the way we relate to ourselves. Not only is our relationship to ourselves the most important one, but it is also the most difficult one. It takes real leadership to get to know oneself and to be willing to embrace it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We all want to look smarter, younger, thinner, better, willing to forcefully reject what we do not like. Rejecting or even simply ignoring what disturbs us is, however, the cause of major suffering for ourselves. Until we are willing to investigate the dark corners and know ourselves, we will find it difficult to spend time on our own. It is also a cause of suffering to others, for as long as we feel uncomfortable with parts of ourselves, we will find it challenging to accept others and nurture relationships with others.

To some of us this will translate to the need to spend time on our own. To others it will point to the need to create sufficient space to be alone within relationships, or at least to be our true self with others. Being true to ourselves in relationships comes with the ability to stand without the mask of the various roles we play in society from parent, to colleague, friend, boss, adviser, sister, son. Integrating all the roles we play in life to let our true self shine through is another option, but that takes personal leadership. It stems from the ability to accept ourselves, and always choose our own voice over the expectations of others in any given role we are playing.

It takes courage to forget the mask and present our true selves to the world, as we are often feeling inadequate, not enough, or too much… We are usually our harshest critics. Yet for those who can keep off the mask, this is an opportunity to lead the way and give others permission to be themselves. Have you ever come across people like this? They walk in a room and bring a feeling of ease, warmth, and curiosity with them. They seize opportunities to discover, turned onto others and the world, free of limiting internal barriers. They are open and willing to engage. They acknowledge their idiosyncrasies and laugh at them lovingly. Their imperfect lives can always turn into glorious success. Through them we become alive, confident, and passionate. This is transformational leadership.

Trust in life

Are you prepared to trust the unknown or do you need a safety net to edge against risks in life? It would seem rational to choose the security and comfort of a safety net, at least to take the first steps, until you feel that you have what it takes to walk a tightrope. I would argue, however, that the safety net robs you of the freedom to venture beyond the well-known. Remove the net, feel the fear and trust…

What is the worst that can happen? We trust and we fail. That may just be what is needed to discover the wings that we never knew we had. When we open up to the unknown, we also (re)discover others. By showing up as vulnerable, we magically attract support into our lives. By trusting that life will provide what we need, an unexpected rescue team will ensure soft landing; an eye-opening experience will catch us falling. Trusting that we are not alone in life is a major shift in the way we lead our lives.

Perhaps, we don’t fall completely. We just end up in a place we do not like. We did not fail, necessarily, but we feel something went wrong; we made a mistake along the way; or we feel that life is unfair; and we struggle to maintain an illusion of control. And yet it is in the loss of control that lies the gift: the importance of others, the awareness that we know little and that life is about what we do not know and what we do not see. Indeed, the best in life is always immaterial, to be experienced through others, and lies hidden within beyond darkness. Leading through darkness, the unknown, requires trust and the ability to show vulnerability to others, more than standing alone with strength and assurances.

Leaders and inner strength

When I look back on my life, I am amazed at how I managed to survive the many trials and tribulations in my path, and I am sure this resonates with many of you. We all seem to underestimate how much we can handle, but life has a way of showing us the way to a hidden reserve. Whether we get to it through sheer willpower cutting through our resistance, or whether we overcome our inner blocks through compassion for our predicament, we always seem to reach for a new level of understanding of our inner strength.

Over time men and women have developed their own leadership styles, either fighting their way through, enduring one loss after another, opening the way for others to catch their breath, wondering when life will offer a break, or simply accepting overwhelm, exhaustion and offering compassion and unconditional support to themselves and others. Yet, women and men alike have suffered from internal barriers to receiving the level of support they need to succeed.

Have you noticed how this manifests in your life? You do not want to appear weak, inadequate, or needy. You do not want to be indebted to someone else. You do not want to burden others with your problems. How many of you are actually seeking support to overcome your challenges? In our western masculine culture, we celebrate the power of the individual and we have long held the belief that we are weak, inadequate, and somehow flawed when we cannot master our own lives by ourselves. We are essentially suffering from a “support deficit.”

There is an alternative based on a different belief, i.e.: “you cannot become your powerful self by yourself.” Through this different approach, leadership for yourself and others is more of a team sport than a solo race. Leadership becomes less and less about inner strength to face up to your personal or collective challenges. It anchors instead in a shared commitment to feed each other power and to support one another to step into our full potential. For this type of leadership we need to level up our relationships, rather than rely on inner strength. This approach speaks of trust and the willingness to be vulnerable, and will be addressed in our next blogs. See you there!

Decision-making from a place of balance

As human beings we are called upon to take a significant number of decisions every day. Some may appear more significant than others. Yet all have the potential of impacting our lives. The mere fact that we have choices – some of us more than others – enriches our lives tremendously, and yet we may feel confused and challenged by the need to exercise our choices. I recall a discussion when my son was little about our ability to choose what to prepare for dinner often leading to disagreement. His caregiver would argue that offering less choice would save us time and disagreement. True, but I always believed in the importance of learning early to make decisions.

We are complex beings and the need to balance competing calls is inherent to who we are internally and externally, as we position ourselves vis-à-vis others and our surroundings. Whether it is balancing within or without (so to speak), decision-making lies in our ability to align our mind (thought process) and our feelings (emotional base) in accordance with our beliefs about life and the world, which are often inherited from family and society. As rational beings, we tend to minimize the complexity, often bypassing emotions and siding with logical decisions (mind over emotions.) This is reinforced by the fact that society favours the mind in the equation, and considers that overly emotional decisions are often irrational and risky. However, taking full account of both thoughts and emotions–feeling emotionally in line with our thinking process–ensures integrity. Taking action from a place of integrity depends on our ability to make choices from a place of balance.

As you practice achieving balance and make decisions that honor every aspect of who you are as a human being, I wanted to share a counter-intuitive tip. Refrain from making it easy on yourself. In fact, irritation is often an important advisor. It keeps you awake to what makes you uncomfortable. Turning the environment to your liking leads you to sleep walk through your decisions. Make decisions consciously. The point is not to control your environment. While there is merit in having some measure of control over your environment, do not eliminate irritants from the picture; they are the elements that will allow for patience, tolerance and acceptance that are so fundamental to reaching a balanced decision. May you look at the annoying colleague, the nagging child, or the critical partner with different eyes!