Month: April 2018

Leaders and inner strength

When I look back on my life, I am amazed at how I managed to survive the many trials and tribulations in my path, and I am sure this resonates with many of you. We all seem to underestimate how much we can handle, but life has a way of showing us the way to a hidden reserve. Whether we get to it through sheer willpower cutting through our resistance, or whether we overcome our inner blocks through compassion for our predicament, we always seem to reach for a new level of understanding of our inner strength.

Over time men and women have developed their own leadership styles, either fighting their way through, enduring one loss after another, opening the way for others to catch their breath, wondering when life will offer a break, or simply accepting overwhelm, exhaustion and offering compassion and unconditional support to themselves and others. Yet, women and men alike have suffered from internal barriers to receiving the level of support they need to succeed.

Have you noticed how this manifests in your life? You do not want to appear weak, inadequate, or needy. You do not want to be indebted to someone else. You do not want to burden others with your problems. How many of you are actually seeking support to overcome your challenges? In our western masculine culture, we celebrate the power of the individual and we have long held the belief that we are weak, inadequate, and somehow flawed when we cannot master our own lives by ourselves. We are essentially suffering from a “support deficit.”

There is an alternative based on a different belief, i.e.: “you cannot become your powerful self by yourself.” Through this different approach, leadership for yourself and others is more of a team sport than a solo race. Leadership becomes less and less about inner strength to face up to your personal or collective challenges. It anchors instead in a shared commitment to feed each other power and to support one another to step into our full potential. For this type of leadership we need to level up our relationships, rather than rely on inner strength. This approach speaks of trust and the willingness to be vulnerable, and will be addressed in our next blogs. See you there!

Decision-making from a place of balance

As human beings we are called upon to take a significant number of decisions every day. Some may appear more significant than others. Yet all have the potential of impacting our lives. The mere fact that we have choices – some of us more than others – enriches our lives tremendously, and yet we may feel confused and challenged by the need to exercise our choices. I recall a discussion when my son was little about our ability to choose what to prepare for dinner often leading to disagreement. His caregiver would argue that offering less choice would save us time and disagreement. True, but I always believed in the importance of learning early to make decisions.

We are complex beings and the need to balance competing calls is inherent to who we are internally and externally, as we position ourselves vis-à-vis others and our surroundings. Whether it is balancing within or without (so to speak), decision-making lies in our ability to align our mind (thought process) and our feelings (emotional base) in accordance with our beliefs about life and the world, which are often inherited from family and society. As rational beings, we tend to minimize the complexity, often bypassing emotions and siding with logical decisions (mind over emotions.) This is reinforced by the fact that society favours the mind in the equation, and considers that overly emotional decisions are often irrational and risky. However, taking full account of both thoughts and emotions–feeling emotionally in line with our thinking process–ensures integrity. Taking action from a place of integrity depends on our ability to make choices from a place of balance.

As you practice achieving balance and make decisions that honor every aspect of who you are as a human being, I wanted to share a counter-intuitive tip. Refrain from making it easy on yourself. In fact, irritation is often an important advisor. It keeps you awake to what makes you uncomfortable. Turning the environment to your liking leads you to sleep walk through your decisions. Make decisions consciously. The point is not to control your environment. While there is merit in having some measure of control over your environment, do not eliminate irritants from the picture; they are the elements that will allow for patience, tolerance and acceptance that are so fundamental to reaching a balanced decision. May you look at the annoying colleague, the nagging child, or the critical partner with different eyes!

Belonging and leadership

The sense of belonging is one of the most powerful human needs. The experience of separation and feeling excluded is at the very root of conflicts, even wars and certainly terrorism. The need to be heard is at the core of relationships. Many of us have experienced the challenge of being brushed aside in an argument, or the pain of being cast aside, be it in families, peer groups, or society at large. I can recall many instances and fundamental break-ups where I no longer belonged. Already at a young age, I felt that I no longer belonged in my country, no longer sharing the same values with society around me. Even without being overtly criticized, I also remember times when I felt like an outsider within my own family, either being humoured or simply unnoticed. I also experienced the common feeling of having been adopted, as I seemed so different from the rest of my family. Over time, I found out how many of us wondered that very same question.

These watershed moments in life are often interpreted as inadequacy or inability to belong. They are yet the result of a natural process of individuality – hardly a sign that we have failed our peers in some way. Some of us, in fact, respond to this search for individuality by pulling back from the very community to which we belong, even the people closest to us, in order to embrace a different environment within which we can experience a greater sense of commonality. It takes leadership in one’s life to explore our own individuality, and leaders in society are often people who have experienced such an individuation process at an early stage.

The break-up often leads to conflict. Yet your process of individuation does not have to lead to interpersonal tensions. These experiences often contribute to your own evolution, and that of society at large. If you are able to move beyond comparing yourself with others and accept the differences, if you can transform the raw feelings of being cast aside as you find your own path, your ability to lead will be strong. You will come to appreciate the need to separate as much as the need to belong, and welcome periods of separation in life’s unique journey.